dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
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he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
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I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm bleeding and have questions
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