Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
