Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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