Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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