I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
