First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
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I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
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He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We need to get me chipped asap
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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