if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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