Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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