awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize