There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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