my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
