I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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