ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
