i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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