yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
