im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
