My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
