everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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