I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
