I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize