The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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