I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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