I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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