I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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