my mouth tastes like poor choices
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
