If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
