he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
