So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
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I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Boobs speak an international language.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
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I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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