You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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