Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
