I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
