I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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