it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.