Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
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I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
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The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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