Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
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The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
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And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize