Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
