He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
