sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I could make wine with my vomit
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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