i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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