but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Is Oprah even human
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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