if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
our cab driver is having phone sex.
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Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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