Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
