The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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