Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
