God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
