I wish my penis had an off switch
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
