Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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