I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
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And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
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Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers