I'm being pulled over???
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today