I just pynch a tree in the face
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!