My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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