i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
