I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Drunk is a universal language darling
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
