I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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