Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
