That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
