U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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