i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
