You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
