its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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