Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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