I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
now i know why i became what i already was.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
